Friday, April 6, 2018

I hope you're learning to listen
And I hope you're learning to stay
And I hope you find what you're missing
And I hope that you're making your way
I'm a headcase if I don't keep moving
And my head hurts if I don't sit still
It's an itch that I'll never stop scratching
It's a hole that I'll never quite fill

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

quick musical doodles & sex

I want to be where you are
I want to be where you are
I want to be where you are
I want to be where you are
I want to be where you are

I want you I want you I want you I want you I want you

Unable to write anything else

Saturday, March 17, 2018

"There’s this condition called the rapture of the deep. It’s when a deep-sea diver spends too much time at the bottom of the ocean and cannot tell which way is up. You have always been asleep in a different bed in the same room. Kentucky felt like impossible nostalgia. And I saw you looking back.

That’s it, I remember, I saw you looking back because I was looking forward. And my jaw was a clenched fist I could not throw because the truth hurts loudest when you toss it around and the echo, the echo is what drives girls like me mad with remembering."

Sabrina Benaim - "How to Unfold a Memory"

Sunday, March 4, 2018

aperol afterglow

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

Monday, January 22, 2018

if you ever wanted to know what I meant by that it would be this

I walk into your arms with independence,
cocaine strips grinning widely.
we sleep together, you ask me if I ever dream.

your blood runs around with risks uncalculated,
you open the door and say it was inevitable.
push all the buttons.

I have a triangle where your fingers should be,
honestly, I love the thrill.
enjoy the ride you asked for.

you're not picking up - 
you still don't get it, do you

the hunter's bullet lodges in my cracked ribs,
I can make it, I think, but barely.
you say I should smile more.

you're somewhere in this town, falling asleep,
not having this dream.
that's fine, that's fine, that's fine.

I don't know whose hands I feel around me,
but I changed my sheets to silk.
I want it to be quiet, no noise.

Friday, January 5, 2018

st. Petersburg in glitter

looking for curves in the flatline of a heartbeat,
forgetting it should be made out of corners.

my Superman, my Superman,
you were not supposed to be real.
in this part you did not lie.

in case you're wondering,
I would have. this is my superpower.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

rum cola

See, here's my problem -
I cannot forgive myself for not remembering your face well enough to write about it,
even though I couldn't take my eyes off you for one second.

I've known for a while by now,
before I was a drunk girl in red lingerie under your covers.

They say a year changes a lot, but this feeling is familiar.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

not this time, no

Monday, October 9, 2017

“And it isn't that I'm so unhappy I don't want to live anymore. That's not what it feels like. It feels more like I'm tired and bored and the party's gone on too long and I want to go home.” 

― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down

But see, I cannot leave the party.
They are in my apartment and drinking my alcohol and it is my fault because I let them in - I cannot leave the party because this is my home. This is my bed. This is where my heart should not feel this way but I take the blame because I opened the door.

So I stay and watch and let the confetti fall all over me.
It's a wasp's nest.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

“I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.”

― Michael Summers, I Had a Dream About You

Friday, September 1, 2017

Thursday, August 17, 2017

lust has no mercy

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

there you are, see, not going


terrified to core
I'll throw it out

so enjoy me now
for I'll be gone

Sunday, April 30, 2017

the things you never learn from watching secretary porn

the meeting room is out of water bottles, my heels clicking, your jaw clenching,
supple, luscious,
will this be all, Sir

attach a scanned copy with your number on it through the jars of raw honey,
heavy, sticky,
I lick my fingers clean

I stripped myself down and then I didn't 

very well then, good morning to the man who likes to go back on his words,
loyal, married,
never your intention

tell me more about the sanctity of a promised word while you picture my bones,
naked, delicious,
say my name, say it

it was all about sex and then it wasn't

the door slams closed behind me and I'm about to leave this place for good
too proud, finished,
you forge a lovely intimacy

see my shirt unbuttoned as you kiss your wife's forehead goodnight
dirty, damaged,
dream of Trussardi Donna

it was just a good story and then I met you

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

“Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep.”

- Haruki Murakami

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

remain in my hands and smile

Hey beauty supreme

Yeah you were right about me
Can I get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me
And in the choir I saw a sad messiah
He was bored and tired of my laments
Said I died for you one time, but never again

Well I love you so much
But do me a favour baby, don't reply
Because I can dish it out, but I can't take it

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

Friday, January 20, 2017

do come here, gentleman, touch how soft their fleece is
which of these you take home is up yours to decide
cut her open and pick out your favourite pieces
cash or card; here the tax is already applied

in a field of raw meat it’s a buyer’s market
and you’ve been looking around for something new
you came in with a knife and I was your target
in a shape of a heart I was looking at you

cravings come in a wave for a bite that’s blood fresh
let me finish my job so you could do your crimes
even though I’m aware you’re not worthy of my flesh
for your teeth on my bones I’d die a hundred times

witness my liquid red dripping through your fingers
grab a feel of my skin while it is still warm
in the back of your head there’s a thought that lingers
beneath you lies something you have no right to harm

do come here, little lamb, come here to the slaughter
sweet music to my ears is your dying sound

you’re a butcher’s son, I am someone’s daughter
a purchase deal where justice cannot be found

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

We were emergencies

We can stick anything into the fog
and make it look like a ghost.
But tonight,
let's not become tragedies.
We are not funeral homes
with propane tanks in our windows,
lookin' like cemeteries.
Cemeteries are just the Earth’s way of not letting go.
Let go.

let's turn our silly wrists so far backwards
the razor blades in our pencil tips
can’t get a good angle on all that beauty inside.
Step into this
with your airplane parts.
Move forward,
And repeat after me with your heart:

"I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself."

Make love to me
like you know I am better
than the worst thing I ever did.
Go slow.
I’m new to this.
But I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop
without jumping.
I have realized

that the moon
did not have to be full for us to love it,
that we are not tragedies
stranded here beneath it,
that if my heart
really broke
every time we fell from love,
I’d be able to offer you confetti by now.

But hearts don’t break,
they bruise and get better.
We were never tragedies.
We were emergencies.
You call 9–1–1.
Tell them I’m having a fantastic time.

- Buddy Wakefield

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

call Becky

today I regret the night I put that ring on

Friday, November 27, 2015

pretty girls don't know the things that I know

Sunday, September 6, 2015

I never told
It never mattered

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

"I won’t love you any less in December. 
I think my heart just wasn’t meant for the cold."

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

if you left
my friends would be gone
I could never visit your part of town again
my favourite songs would become heartbreakers
I'm still not sure what I would do with your gifts
I could never watch Harry Potter without thinking
about your voice asking questions about Snape's bad behaviour
I could never drink wine without candlelight
or make sandwiches and coffee for breakfast for someone else
Chinese food would have no taste and
I would lose interest in going out to dinner
pink lipsticks I've bought would end up in trash
and I could never wear my hair in ponytail again
sleepy Sunday morning sex would lose it's meaning
and I would lose the sense of time
because time wouldn't matter if there's nothing to wait for

So please stay even if it's too much
I will become less until I fit in you
you changed me into something I had always wanted to be
a reckless girl so terribly in love

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

things I never knew I could feel

I no longer need you to fuck me as hard 
as I hate myself.

Make love to me
like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did.

Go slow.
I'm new to this.

Buddy Wakefield

Sunday, September 23, 2012


I'm sailing on the sea of peace when I see you in sight
fear and sweat mixed together dripping down my fingertips
I always have to be set up in case you want to fight
and before I understand, we are playing battleships

on these tides that are known so well, again we start a war
although the end of this has already been decided
I hear the fire going off from very far afar
destroying my clear vision, ruining the perfect silence

I never get seasick, so this seems kind of ironic
the beauty of the sun and sea only makes me sicker
the echoes of receding birds make me want to vomit
the waves of this salty ocean make my vision flicker

like a fictional literature but without a real plot
just a simple entertainment to keep your blues at bay
shoot again, honey, I think you missed a spot
I have no chance, I play along, so please come what may

you lead the storm, you lead the wind, you seem to play so well
in my extreme naivety I believe your gammons
I scream and quake, I swear myself into the depths of hell
as I watch my little ships get taken by your cannons

you bring out your naval forces, I don’t know who they are
but they try to kill me, it keeps me away from thinking
and there you stand and laugh at me without the smallest scar
when I try to get my sails up, save myself from sinking

you surmount, play unfair, roughly exceed all the borders
you hold the coldest nerve although the sun is burning hot
the seagulls who fly above the sea pass on your orders
but now your bullet missed my boat and it was your last shot

was it your bad misfortune or was it my foolish luck
that made me win the conqueror of silly little hearts
I am kept under lock and key, now you cannot abduct
your cold soul is bitten by the hungry hammerhead sharks

yes, I've won, but this time it's not the most important
watched by a glaze full of contempt, you didn't think I could
you change the rules daily while the horizon stays constant
would you like to play again, don't lie, I know you would

although the sea is calm right now and I am all alone
it’s just an illusion, it is never really over
you are filled with stupid desires you cannot postpone
using this fight as an excuse to be my secret lover

the original point of it was that who destroys who
if you lose, you start once more, like you've always done before
this small addictive game always brings me back to you
no matter how many times I try to reach the shore


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

because if you're not there then I see no point in it.
I hope you think of me when you fuck her

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

cheap thrills.

you're in delirium and his tongue eclipses all the mistakes you've done and takes your breath away; you're gasping for air and willing to do anything for the boy who usually tends to prefer
cutting the foreplay

you can almost feel his bone structure scratching off the scabs from unrecovered scars in while he's turning; you can't do anything but wait for the party to end and the night to cover up your sins
in direful yearning

in the beginning of a dawn, he slowly takes off his shirt and then switches off the light and shuts the door; you share a wonderful caricature of intimacy before he throws you down and fucks you
on the bathroom floor

you are underneath and the rhythm of that song sends vibes through your bare body
and it turns him on; those compliments told and promises made and ugly confessions spoken are just a set
of lies agreed upon

he tells you he's in serious pain and needs you to relieve it quickly just because you are the nearest one around; and like morphine you blow away his stress and get yourself ready to fulfill his dirty dreams
to the beating sound

he is all over the place, you can't fit yourself in and you don't understand why this place suddenly has shrunk; but nothing ever matters to him and he has taught you how everything is so much better
as long as you're drunk

you are a liar, you think it every time yet when it's cold around, you need him by your side and you can not beware; so go ahead and swallow down all the shame he or anyone else has ever put you through
as long as you don't care

you feel bad for yourself and for the boy who uses every opportunity he gets in his simple agitated youth; it's the morning sun who hurts you when you once open your eyes and find yourself lying
in the naked truth

quickly made-up explanations lie quietly in a silent noise, in a dried up mouth that is still full of his taste; no matter how many times you convince yourself, deep inside you still know that this time
was not a waste

he twists and plays and teases and tortures and taunts you and finally you notice he has filled you with anger; despised by his gaze, it's morning already, you were his lover for that night and now
you are just a stranger

on one moment you crave for the moments that you had few hours ago and on the other you wish you were dead; he acts like nothing has happened and that's how he should and you're sad and the hangover
starts to hurt your head

he asks you politely to light his cigarette, but instead you would like to set him on fire and watch him burn; the storyline has never changed - you devote yourself to his domain and he gives you
cheap thrills in return

Monday, September 12, 2011

Because that's what people say - you want them when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelings change.

And it's weird when they don't.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

мой прекрасный город -
я помню тебя более тёмным, чем сама темнота; как растворялись твои огни и как я полусонная проходила по твоим улицам, которые ты создал, чтобы спрятать в них таинственных и странных прохожих. дул холодный ветер и я была в оцепенении - я была потрясена красотой неба, которого я не видела; глубиной голосов, которых я не слышала; нежностью прикосновений, которых я не чувствовала.

моя таинственная ночь -
своим тёмным дыханием ты сумела изменить амплитуду моих чувств, мыслей, всей моей жизни. протянув прозрачную руку , ты изменила направление моего заблудшего пути на правильный, а затем затянула обратно в неведение. твоя магия, твоё мерцание, всё неземное, что таилось в тебе - ничто не исчезнет из моей памяти.

мой неповторимый мальчик -
я помню тебя больше, чем мне того бы хотелось; твои глаза полны страсти, твой шёпот, прерывающийся от желания, сводит с ума. я помню всё.
я влюбилась в тебя с первого взгляда - но совсем не так, как это происходит в романах; не так как обычно принято у людей. поскольку ты был самым странным существом из всех, встречавшихся мне ранее, моя любовь к тебе была такой же странной.
порой я думаю, были ли твои чувства такими же.

мой прекрасный город, моя таинственная ночь, мой неповторимый мальчик.

этот мальчик в эту ночь в этом городе забрёл в мой сон и я снова просыпаюсь. сердце колотится.
я прикрываю тебя, когда мы, подобно ворам, убегаем от действительности; когда мы достигаем своих самых опасных мечтаний, я храню тебя в этом призрачном рае.
притяжение между чувствами таких обманщиков, как мы, вспыхивает подобно бензину и меня ничуть не тревожит, если всё вокруг сгорит дотла, потому что предел мечтаний - умереть, устремив взгляд в отблески пламени, которые отражаются в твоих зрачках.
если ты хочешь меня, просто скажи - потому что я хочу тебя тоже.
оставь свои страхи только на сегодня -
это нужно тебе, это нужно мне, мы оба знаем, что это единственный способ потерять окружающий нас мир.

я слишком устала, чтобы бороться с твоим взглядом;
позволь мне всего секунду отдохнуть, чтобы я снова могла дышать; прислони голову к моему плечу и наберись сил, чтобы затем мы вдохнули жизнь в лёгкие этой ночи. твой силуэт пронзительно ярок, свет живёт в твоём лице под лучами Млечного Пути.

близко, ближе, совсем рядом, я сумасшедшая и ты смеёшься, потому что ты знаешь.
твоё дыхание окружает меня, никто не догадается, нас не найдут.
не имеет значения где,
не имеет значения когда -
ты ни с кем не сравним, мой таинственный друг.